Friendly gesture may send the wrong message
At work, I’m the textbook "nice guy" that everybody likes. Lately, I’ve had problems with a female co-worker. For five years, "Kelly" and I have had a friendly relationship, but now she’s avoiding me.
About a month ago, when our boss went on vacation, I brought in doughnuts for everyone to celebrate his absence. I also anonymously put flowers on Kelly’s desk with a card that said "Have a nice day." She immediately became very standoffish.
I thought it might help to come forward, so I confessed that I brought the flowers and asked if everything was OK. She thanked me and said there was no problem, but she hasn’t been the same since.
Kelly recently ended a long relationship with the father of her children. I’ve heard it was a difficult breakup. Now I’m told that she thinks I’m trying to "take a shot" at her.
I’d like to get everything out in the open by talking privately, but I don’t think Kelly will allow it. Because I’m very in tune with emotions, this tension really bothers me. I’ve even thought about quitting. What should I do?
Kelly’s discomfort is understandable. She’s already on an emotional roller coaster, and now she fears that her office buddy is hitting on her. The more you push, the more she retreats cash til payday loan.
A private heart-to-heart is exactly what Kelly is trying to avoid. So don’t go that route. Instead, clearly state your harmless intentions, then drop the subject.
For example: "Kelly, I’m afraid you may think that I want us to be more than just friends. But I only want the same friendly relationship that we’ve always had. I won’t bring it up again, but I do hope everything can get back to normal."
Then switch to some neutral topic without waiting for a reply. If you continue to act like an ordinary, pleasant colleague, eventually she’ll reciprocate.
You also need to examine your own feelings and motives, however. You brought doughnuts for everyone, but gave flowers only to Kelly. And you chose to do so shortly after she became socially available.
My guess is that Kelly has read your true wishes correctly. If so, you’ll need to call on your emotional sensitivity to keep your own emotions in check.
MARIE G. MCINTYRE IS A WORKPLACE COACH. SEND QUESTIONS AND GET TIPS AT WWW.YOUROFFICECOACH.COM.
2008, McClatchy-Tribune Information Services